Jason Ritter

I was at a party the other night and they made the mistake of handing out hand fans, and I have NOT STOPPED practicing. Melanie thought I was being helpful and breaking down some cardboard boxes for 20 minutes yesterday, but NOPE. Just training for the inevitable moment when someone approaches and seems to be asking for a strong but gentle breeze to remind them who’s holding the fan and who’s not. Oh, you talking to me?? You talking to me???? I don’t see anyone else around, and you look like you’re overheating because it’s a hot day, so you must be talking to me, and it looks like you need some water so I will be right back. Here you go. Please drink all of that, it’s important to stay hydrated, and I should take my own advice, but believe me you better be on your way if you want to keep your hair like that because I can summon a gust at will that can muss you the f up. Sorry to do a swear, but sometimes it is the only thing that can get through. So BACK OFF unless you want to feel the powerful SWOOP of a large sparrow coming straight at you. Anyway, I really can’t stop opening and closing this thing, it is so satisfying. I love this little guy. Who’s the fan now, fan??? You won’t find a bigger fan of fans than this fan fan! Or maybe you will! I haven’t googled! But I really am a new fan and I guess that makes two of us in this room

I cannot believe what I just learned!! I wish I could tell you here because it is so surprising and interesting and kind of gross but there’s no room for long captions on TikTok

I put headphones in so Melanie couldn’t hear what I was doing in the other room, but then I came back in fully out of breath, so I don’t know what the better option was there. Anyway!! Matlock is back tonight!!! It might be my favorite episode of the whole season and I can’t tell you why, but you’ll see! These last three episodes are all tied for favorites for so many reasons! I hate to be mysterious but I can’t spoil things! But EVERYTHING CHANGES tonight, I think I can say that for sure. Today’s dance includes a dash of Riverdance, (although I could not for the life of me keep my arms still or by my side) and just a bit of breakdancing on the nose. We have a touch of ballet somewhere in there, but today’s dance has been mostly freestyle topped with a sprinkle of harmless anger to make the moves a bit faster. Hopefully you will watch Matlock which is on tonight at 9 on CBS!! Next Thursday is the penultimate episode of the season, and a TWO HOUR FINALE the week after that!! Also what about that last YJ episode!! So good!! A bit scary! No pun intended! 💪🩸😬

The moment you stop practicing your enemies take the advantage! You know what they say, you can sleep when you’re, like, pretty tired!! Like after doing the things you need to do before you go to sleep!! There’s no rest for Wicked! You can wait for part 2 to come out and watch them both!! Because something wicked this way comes!! And this way lies certain doomscrolling!! So beware all ye who enter!! Make sure you know where all exits be! Because a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush!! And you can kill those two birds with one stone!! Unless you live in a glass house! And in that case, none of that please! We don’t want to be walking around on glass thank you very much! It wasn’t fun when John McClane had to do it, and it won’t be fun now! You won’t even be able to enjoy your three birds (two are dead from the stone) but you wanted that, I guess, and now they are covered in broken glass and the bird in your hand is absolutely horrified. If you were planning on bonding with that first one as a pet, you have made a horrible mistake with that stone idea. ESPECIALLY in this house that was YOUR idea!! I tried to warn you! I said, VERBATIM, “I mean I guess it’s okay if that’s what you want, but if I were you, the one thing I wouldn’t do?” And then we looked at each other and said “throw stones” at the same time and we laughed about it, so I know you heard me about the stones! But listen, I’ll help you clean up the glass and the birds, but let’s just think about our actions before we just start doing things, okay? You didn’t even want birds until you had that one in your hand (good catch by the way!) but then you had to go looking for two birds in the same bush. Anyway I’ve been working on more fan moves🦜🦜

This was my fourth try and I got too hot!!! So sorry about all the breathing and sweating, I usually try to hide my humanity a little bit more!! It is a very warm and cozy Donkey Kong hoodie that I got months ago from Nintendo (thank you Nintendo!)( #thankyou #nintendo ) and also thank you to the ophthalmologist’s office for giving me these mandatory rad shades after looking deep into my eyeballs!! You made my world brighter for a few hours there! Just by dilating those pups! Pronounced with a liquid u, like “pyoops”, short for pupils. There are lots of words we reuse in the English language but pupils meaning both students AND the black holes in the center of our irises is very confusing to me. Maybe it’s because as a student our minds are dilated and taking in the light of education!!??? I don’t know. I’ll look it up after I post and get back to you all! Also, deeply unsettling that when I did the auto-captions they TWICE just put “Non-human” for lengthy periods? I’m clearly not slowly saying “Non-human” so it’s definitely making me feel uncomfortable. Is it about the moves??? The general vibe????? Do they think I’m Donkey Kong himself??????? Or is there a non-human in the room with me that I can’t see? No good options here.

I miss you guys! I hope it’s okay to dance without any new episodes on the way. I mean they ARE on the way, but just not like THIS week. Or next. They’ll be ready in the Fall! Do you think Fall introduces themselves as Autumn, and then Fall is just what their good friends call them? Because maybe Autumn tripped one day in middle school and the other seasons started calling them Fall because they just could NOT let it go? I bet Summer started it. Spring seems nice but is probably too scared to stand up to Summer, and Winter has her own stuff to deal with. Plus maybe they don’t know that sometimes Autumn would like to be taken seriously, and not constantly be reminded of ONE awkward mistake they made SO long ago. Maybe they feel like Autumn is in on the joke with them and they mean it in good spirits, and don’t realize that it’s taking a toll on their friend! OR maybe Autumn likes being able to sort of switch between Autumn at work events and the Fall persona when out having fun. Maybe NONE OF THIS IS EVEN REAL and the seasons were never anthropomorphized high school students!! Unlikely though. I can see them all so clearly in my head, it must be true. By the way, VERY cool outfits, Winter. No pun intended!! I’m sorry!! Now I’m doing it! Also did you know that some alcoholics (and some non-, probably) get nicknames for when *that* side of them comes out at parties? I never got a nickname, and I am kind of jealous. It definitely makes it easier to be like “sorry about THAT guy, I had obviously left the party WAY before he showed up.” But for me it was always just me and that’s embarrassing but I’m grateful I made some choices and I never have to introduce that side of myself to anyone else. Too loud!! Stop trying to climb things, guy!!! Stop all of it!!!! Anyway, Autumn, YOU can make a choice today to shape your future regardless of the past. You can be Fall, but you don’t HAVE to be Fall. You are Fall, but you are also Autumn, and you can try to grow and move forward and there are ways to deal with the embarrassment and shame of the past! You can do it!! And ALSO, can you give us some new Matlock episodes when you’re here? Is that ok to ask? What would you prefer I call you? You tell me, I will do it. I got your back. 🍂🪾🍁

I really tried hard to warn past me about this kind of thing, but in trying to interfere with the past I actually made it come true… Time travel is so fun in movies, but guys I think we have to say NO to time travel, even when the technology comes out next year(I assume??). It just gets too messy even if it’s just like one person, and if we all have the ability to time travel, it’s just going to be chaos. Also, ONE of us, (not naming names) will probably do something that will alter the time line enough that the technology WON’T be created and then we are all stuck whenever we are, or we disappear or something else creepy (THANKS STEVE). So I say, let’s not do time travel, okay? OR let’s only make forward time travel legal so you can sort of fast forward to the future and see some cool and/or scary technology! You cannot come backwards though, remember, so no trying to game the system with your future knowledge. Also you have to explain to your family who is all old now that you weren’t around the last 70 years because you were curious about the latest PlayStation. See how well that goes over. Anyway, you obviously should make your own decision regarding time travel when it arrives in the next few weeks(maybe???) but I think I am going to say 🙅🏻‍♂️ to messing with time travel. Let’s just be safe guys. GUYS I mean it. Listen I know this won’t be popular with the pro time travel community but we just have to really be careful. Look, I don’t want some kind of future me spinning me out and making me slap myself again, ok? But you do you! Maybe you’ll have a better experience than I had. Good luck! Maybe use it to binge this season of Matlock BEFORE you watch the finale?? Which is tonight??? On CBS???? At 9/8c????!? That would be a good use! No one gets hurt, you don’t get secrets spoiled! Everyone wins! Ok byeee here’s your emoji prize for reading all that: 🦦

Well guys, it’s Matlock Thursday again, 2nd to last episode of the season!! I am so so grateful to all of you who have watched and who have given it a chance! It’s been so nice to hear from people who were unsure if they were going to be into it, but watched that first episode and got SUPER into it! Daniel Tiger once said, “you gotta try new foods cause they might taste good!” and it’s not a bad philosophy for shows either! Quick reminder to not eat your shows. Licking screens is one thing and comes highly recommended but actually digesting technology is difficult for most human bodies. That being said, that one man ate an airplane piece by piece once! Just as the pioneers of human aviation imagined and always eventually intended! But please don’t eat your screens until at least after next Thursday’s TWO hour season finale!! I would also like to apologize to a handful of Yellowjackets fans who got mixed messages about THAT finale being two hours! I can’t remember the exact run time, but I watched it over Melanie’s shoulder and it is 🤯 (and coming soon!!!). Also I should say that there have been a few art pieces by one of Melanie’s favorite artists, an incredibly talented person (also from New Zealand!) named Henrietta Harris. Melanie has been collecting piece by piece for so many years, and I love them so much. ALSO people have been asking and I can take absolutely ZERO credit for everything in beautiful in this house but I did lobby pretty heavily for that HH painting of the woman with the hand in front of her face to be in that little spotlight but THAT IS IT! And I chose one light fixture between two pre approved choices. But that is truly it. I have zero creativity when it comes to home beauty things, so I realized a long time ago I should stop weighing in and just watch Melanie do her magic! Anyway, wow, thank you for reading all this, it’s mostly giving credit where it’s due, and that’s important too! Oh my gosh I get so off topic and just ramble ramble ramble but I like talking with you guys and reading your comments! Today your thank you gift for reading is ⛈️🌧️☁️🌥️⛅️🌤️☀️🌞 AND AS always, Matlock is on tonight at 9PM on CBS!!! See you there!! Or on Paramount +!

LAST MATLOCK ALERT!! (Of the season!) Thursday night is the 2 HOUR FINALE, where ALL is revealed!! Or at least a lot of stuff is revealed!!! The main thing is revealed!!! Obviously there is more coming so ALL can’t be revealed but certainly everything you may have been wondering about and MORE! Watch Matty and Olympia try to navigate this extremely complicated problem!! Watch Billy and Sarah get in very hot water!! Did I mention it was TWO hours?? That means TWICE the snacks!! And if you watch it live you get that fun old school feeling of trying to run to the bathroom and back in the commercial break! And then of course rewind to see all the ads you missed 😅. I would never tell you to skip an ad! I never have and I never do! Ok I lied a little bit. By the way, was “I cannot tell a lie” supposed to make the guy who nursed the cherry tree from a seed into a full tree feel better? I’d be like, “thank you for being honest, but still, WHY did you do that.” And then I’d watch the little lie-never-teller VERY closely. Anyway I have noticed that when someone says something like that nowadays it either means they are telling the truth and lying makes them extremely uncomfortable OR they literally cannot stop telling lies, and they are trying to offset your natural future skepticism with their first lie. Just some things I’ve learned!! Anyway, let’s find out who’s been lying about some big things in the FINALE ON THURSDAY!!! Tell me what you think!! Were you right? Wrong? Kind of both? A little of neither? Sound off below!! Because it’s just comments! If you want to turn the sound off above, I think that’s a button on your device somewhere. And then unmute if you want to hear that sweet, sweet, music one last time (today!)

😔💔🙍🏻‍♀️

It’s not???????? Explanation down below!!!! - - maybe in someone else’s TikTok??

Happy happy birthday to the one and only Kathy Bates!! Kathy if you’re reading this, YOU HAVE A TIKTOK????? You secret TikTok account having sly fox!!! The gig is up!! The jig is up? The gig spelled gig but pronounced jig is up??? Gif???? Jif???? The peanut butter or Shauna’s husband??????? So many questions but the main thing is happy birthday to Kathy who changed everything for so many people, I love you, and will write you a more coherent birthday message somewhere you might see it!!

I absolutely love The Beatles and in particular I love when Sir Paul drops into his “other” voice. It only happens a few times in their lexicon which always makes it a fun little Sir Prize. Anyway I love this choice in the song but it really makes my daughter laugh to follow the sentence “I will sing a lullaby-ee” with very loud singing. Obviously I am exaggerating what he actually does in the song because I am trying to make my daughter laugh CAN YOU BLAME ME???? But if you listen to Golden Slumbers you can hear this beautiful person’s voice kick into fourth gear and it’s awesome. The Beatles were huge in our family growing up, and it’s really lovely to share some of these songs with my daughter. When I was scared at night as a little one my dad would walk around the dark with me singing “Beautiful Boy” with me and show me there was nothing to be afraid of, and I did the same thing with my daughter. These things that we pass down are so special! They’re like little connections between people who didn’t ever get to inhabit the planet at the same time! Grief is so weird because at first all you want to do is reverse time, and it is absolutely BONKERS and kind of human and beautiful how much time we spend hoping that maybe some one will break the rules of time/space just this once, just for you and whoever you’re missing. But then as life continues new people come into your world, and all of a sudden your impossible desire to go backwards is marred by the notion that in any time period before this one, you wouldn’t know this new person or people that has/have changed you so, and that seems equally unimaginable!! So hopefully you can trade some of that halted joy of the past to something that brings you happiness now, or in the future! Ooooops I didn’t mean to get philosophical but The Beatles put me in a weird nostalgic place and guys I’m just trying to take a sad song and make it better, and not be a fool who plays it cool by making the world a little colder, you know??? Someone should put THAT in a song

The feeling when you’re being an idiot because you think you’re alone and your daughter walks in and catches you being SO weird

*DRAFT POST* this was my first attempt a couple weeks ago at a video I just posted before I realized it would probably be easier to just play the music live. Usually I dance to the music TikTok is providing, but since I wanted to talk at the beginning I couldn’t do that. But it is VERY DIFFICULT to do a weird dance and then try to find a song that has the right rhythm and feeling! So I was left with just a weird dance to no music and the bad audio of the beginning. I gave it another shot the other day with my updates, but I still kind of enjoy this very odd breathy dance, just as a reminder to dance like nobody’s watching or playing any music and also to wear weird socks, (why not? Most people you pass won’t know your terrible secret) I didn’t mean to fall at the end, which is why that didn’t make it into the Final Cut. By the way, TikTok capitalized Final Cut. I do not take my TikToks THAT seriously. But anyway my team decided in the final edit at the sound mixing stage that we were aiming for something timeless and profound, and collectively we all came to the conclusion that flopping around in a Donkey Kong hoodie was the the only way forward. The breathing hard element tested poorly in early screenings, but ultimately we ended up keeping them in because it helps to distract from the extensive CGI we had to do for the moustache tracking, since I am unable to have a moustache due to copyright infringement issues that I am not able to discuss further, so PLEASE STOP ASKING. Anyway, please enjoy, literally over 200 people came together to make this TikTok, and I won’t name them all now, but that’s mainly because I’m under contract to maintain the illusion that my account is just created by me being a solitary weirdo in different corners of my home, sneaking out strange videos under the cover of normalcy. Because HOW EMBARRASSING if these moves had not been intricately choreographed by a team of experts???

I actually learned SO MUCH about batteries after I made this! (Thank you to @Dr. Chem Thug in particular! And everybody else who tried to help me!) what a cool and crazy invention! Humans are wild and we can be VERY impressive when we’re not being absolute 100% nightmares to each other! So we figured out batteries, but computers ARE actually made with just a tiny bit of magic I’m pretty sure. Like they put all the chips in and wire it all together but then some kind of fairy pops out of a mushroom and brings it all to life. They only have to do it once!!! And then the tech takes over with the zeroes and the ones and all that. (Not even one 2?? Seems fishy to me) Anyway I’m no expert but I did put some headphones on and talked into a microphone so that does give me the ability to speak unchallenged about things I really don’t have any business discussing as if I’m an authority on the matter!! Just kidding I don’t do that. If someone knows a lot more about something than me I defer to them. I still love asking questions!! But it’s always to learn and never to say, “sure your life’s work is studying this topic, but in all that time has anyone posed THIS hard hitting question I came up with 5 minutes into thinking about this topic for the first time????? I ask you that!!!” So now I know a lot more about different types of batteries! And I was half right when I said that it involves Lithiuuuuuuhhhhh. Also, I wish I didn’t have to say this but DO NOT EAT BATTERIES!!! I did hear if you do you get one wish but DO NOT DO IT. Apparently the wish is always granted but in that technically correct but nightmarishly twisted way wishes are sometimes granted and there are no takebacks. They’re all like those “lesson” wishes where you basically end up begging to have the wish taken back and those are never fun. Like that mouse who wanted to fly like a bird but the fairy gave him bat wings and he just alienated his family and even the bats were like “you’re weird” Those mean old bats!!! Was really counting on those bats to take him in after the ordeal with his family, but nope. Had to beg for those wings to come off. I guess certain fairies can undo wishes if tears of pure regret touch the soil? I don’t know the rules. I wouldn’t risk it if I were you. These fairies can be unforgiving. Good luck out there! 🧚

Awww the #onthisday program found my very first TikTok! Just a guy who wants to be a part of something! I hadn’t made any friends on here yet, I had just been lurking and watching, and finally felt like it was time to jump in the ring with you guys! It’s been 4 years of ups and downs but the lovely community here has been giving me so much joy. And the mean community has only served to make me appreciate the lovely community all the more! I so appreciate the way you have all lifted me and each other up over this last few years. I see it and I appreciate it more than you know! Who would have known that when Blanche DuBois said “I have always depended on the kindness of strangers” that she was talking about TikTok!! That Tennessee Williams was ahead of his time. She also said “Deliberate cruelty is unforgivable, and the one thing of which I have never, ever been guilty of.” Which I think is also inspiring and something we should all aspire to! Anyway I really love and appreciate you all, and thank you for welcoming me to this sacred space where we all get to share ourselves with each other. And happy Mother’s Day, and if that’s a complicated sentiment for you, take that however best way you can! If you had to mother yourself, HMD to you! If you’re missing your Mother today, tell me your favorite memory of her. I would love to hear it. Or if ignoring the holiday altogether is best for you, my apologies!!! Forget I said anything!! If you were lucky enough to have this holiday fill you with joy and gratitude to the mother figure you had, congratulations!! I’m so proud of your mother figure. I am very lucky to have an incredible mother who is resilient and brilliant, strong and kind, always there for us, and shepherded us all through difficult periods. She was there in all the ways. So thank you to my mom Nancy, I see what you did there! Forever grateful for the compass you instilled in all of us. ❤️❤️❤️

I still do this!! But then I let them go like right away, like 3 or 4 days or 6-7 weeks later. Words are powerful!! People who grew up on the internet are more used to it I guess?? Takes me a little longer to process some of the crueler things, BUT they are so in the minority compared to the lovely comments you give to me!! And of which I am SO truly grateful for. I don’t take one oz of your kindnesses for granted. Oz meaning “ounce” by the way. Actually a lot of people don’t know this but if you put on Pink Floyd’s Dark Side of the Moon at the second roar of the MGM Lion, the original title was “The Wizard of Ounce”. And if you don’t that’s just a big lie about the title, but you should still do it and see what happens. Coincidence???? Perhaps. My daughter asked me what a “coinky-dink” meant the other day, and now I’ve heard her use it with such sincerity that the joy permeates my body no matter what kind of day I’m having, and makes me feel like I may just lift off and slowly float around a few feet off the ground, like one of those helium balloons a few days down the road, when they get bored of the ceiling (maybe they realize it’s not going anywhere?) and they start just exploring their surroundings on any airwave they can find, before they fully succumb to the law of gravity we all are bound by, and join us on the floor, bouncing around like a tumbleweed. I wonder if they know that this is actually the dream life of a balloon. Not popped, not in the ocean choking a fish, but in a place where they are seen and appreciated for their short time here? Actually I know the answer is no because balloons don’t wonder anything. But I do have fun times looking at inanimate objects and creating rich emotional back stories for them. No, sweetheart I’m not looking at a balloon in it’s last moments and crying the tears are just a coinkydink

It’s tough when you only figure out AFTER you move in with your new roommate that you should have talked about who is a cornflake girl and who’s not a cornflake girl. Not that cornflake girls and raisin girls can’t be friends!! It’s just that living with someone adds so many more elements, and while I am so happy for her that she has never been a cornflake girl, those of us who ARE cornflake girls do seem to misplace the keys a lot less. I always put them in the same place!! Have you thought to look in the one place where I always put them? Maybe something was placed on top of them?? Have you looked under anything in the place where they always are or did you take one glance, didn’t immediately see them, and just gave up? Maybe you could just look a teeny bit harder! It’s just that this is the 18th time you’ve asked!!! And they’re always in the same place!!!! Just take a little longer look!!! They’re underneath the keys that YOU just put down!!!! Anyway I really love you and I will always help find the keys, but let’s not write hurtful songs about each other, ok? Also I’m not sure about my nickname but that’s a convo for another day

#onthisday in 2021 I talked about a HUGE plot point quite a few people seem to have missed??? The mom AND the aunt were in on it to be clear and it involved two of Paul’s friends running really fast up to the car with big flashlights, but the main point is he’s fine, she’s fine, they are back in contact now and you do what you gotta do to get your sister into that music conservatory, you know? Sorry to have scared some of you back then, but everyone is alive and OK!! Raise Your Voice rated PG doesn’t have vehicular fraternal manwhatever in it! A teenager who is VERY good at faking their own demise leaves very few clues behind, so I do understand the confusion, but that spotlight moment kind of explains everything in my opinion… did you think she was having a full blown hallucination? No, he disappeared quickly because you only have time for one knowing nod of approval before the you-know-what-govt-agency starts tracking you down and unraveling your whole plot. Anyway, I hope this helps!! No more tears, guys!! He’s FINE and I didn’t make this up later AT ALL!! So I hope you were ready for all THAT!